Forgiving and living

Yesterday I experienced the complete feeling of having your heart completely deflated. At Jaysons funeral I saw parents, siblings and a wife so devastated and lost. I heard stories of better times and what life has to offer. I sat with some of my coworkers as we cried and listened to the life Jayson lead. One of our directors got up and spoke about Jayson and it was so destating to see how this really affected him. Being the one that told everyone at of Jaysons death was a huge burden to bear. Perhaps that is why I feel so lost over this.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to hear a few of Jaysons extended family members speak of forgiveness and the damage clinging to the damage others have caused you. I decided at that moment that my life was too short to keep being angry over the mediocrity that life has handed me. I have a beautifully intelligent daughter who brings me such joy and so many smiles, it amazes me that I can continually get such a happy heart over the little things she does.

I can no longer cling to all the heartache, pain, suffering, damage, and hatred others have caused me. I need to live my life in happiness and peace. Thats all I want for everyone around me, happiness and peace. Losing a life so early has me not only greif stricken but looking at life in a whole new light. I need my freinds to know I am there for them I love them and there is nothing I wont do to help them find happiness and peace in this life.

Just like I told my daughter so many people came into and out of our lives we never know why, but once they leave it is often very clear. I know I am a much better person for knowing Jayson and learning to talk to someone about anything and everything and just laugh about our shortcomings in this lifetime. I hope that I am never so distraught that I can not reach out to my friends and family and find a way to resolve my turmoil and find peace within myself again. I will never be the person I was and maybe thats for the best. I have loved and lost and been hurt terribly. I have learned so many valuable lessons in my short life and I dont intend to continue on the same path Ive been walking.

Today

Today I received an email from my friends wife that was sent last night... to know her pain and anguish. I can not fathom her thoughts and feelings when she found his dead body....

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This is Jayson's obituary that will appear in the Salt Lake Tribune tomorrow Friday Feb. 20th.
I am so saddened by his loss,
my heart is broken
I know he is now in peace
He has left us all with such a loving legacy and I am glad to have been a part of his life


Jayson Lynn Miller
(Died February 13, 2009)

Jayson Lynn Miller left this earth Feb. 13th to find his final rest and peace. He was and is a beloved son, brother, husband, and friend. The loss of such a beautiful soul will be felt forever.
Throughout our lives we are sent precious souls meant to share our journey (Flavia). Jayson is a precious soul that touched so many lives from family, friends, coworkers, and everyone he came into contact with. We are all so incredibly grateful to have been a part of his coffee drinking, music loving, computer programming, beach loving journey here on earth.
He is survived by his wife Gwen Miller, his Father and Mother Kent and Donna Miller, his sister and brother-in-law Sheena and Chris Muir, his two sweet kittens Fred & Holly, as well as countless family and friends that have endless love for him.
"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” (Kahlil Gibran)
A Memorial Service will be held for Jayson, Saturday. Feb. 21st, 3:00 pm at Jenkins-Soffe South Valley, 1007 W. South Jordan Parkway (10600 So.). A visitation for family and friends will be held from 2-3 pm prior to the Memorial Service. All are welcome to come and celebrate in the life that we all shared with Jayson. In lieu of flowers, donations would be appreciated in order to cover the cost of expenses.



I keep feeling like there is something I should have or could have done to save him. I was listening to my iPod today and there was a song that just caught me and made me think of the pain Jayson must have been feeling. I have been crying all day.

She loves him more he loves her more
Seems like they aint never let each other go
Laughin and kissin it's a match made in heaven
Behind the rings on their fingers imprints the ink deep in the inner
That has stained their souls' together now
Stained 'soul mates' forever now
Seems like they've made it to the other side
Where the grass is greener and the sky is always blue
And it goes on forever and forever but there is only room for two
Deep at night I'm awakened from my dreams
Next door yelling cries mercy she is begging please
'Don't end my life your all I need and darlin I will never leave never leave'
And then she prayed on her knees
She said

'Save him, save him from the hand that beats me on'
'Save him, save him from the hand that beats you on'

Dark clouds cover her paradise
She covers her eyes and hides
Behind enemy lines
And she walks through the night with her child in her arms She's thrown back hostaged
You see twenty years ago
When she was just ten years old
Lost in imagination
She was left alone
And Paps had nothing to let his anger on
Oh he beat her cold
She used to prey on her knees
She said

Deep at night I'm awakened from my dreams
Next door
Yellin cries mercy she's beggin please - "get up get up"
He brings her to her feet and smacks her down till she falls to the ground
Oh and over and over again
He brings her to her feet till she can no longer stand
Oh and still the beating never ends
Oh on and on and on it goes
Until he brings out a gun
And says to her
"Stop crying and bring me my son"

She cries harder and harder
He cries harder and harder
She says "Baby please don't don't do this"
Oh two shots to her chest
And a blow to his own head
She quickly loses breath
And blood rushes to their bed
And baby cries he cries his eyes out

She loves him more he loves her more
Seems like they ain't never let each other go
Laughin and kissin
It's a match made in heaven

Learning and loving

In the last several months I have had the opportunity to get to know one of the smartest, funniest, and most likable people I have ever met. Jayson Miller aka CodeMonkey. I worked with Jayson and we spent many hours discussing how similar our lives were and the things we really lacked in life, ya know as humn beings and spouses. I really enjoy Jayson and he is someone I enjoy talking to. We talk about our berry's often and the addictions we have found on them and with them. Being berry addicts we have found out there is a whole life out there for us crackberry addicts. If we werent talking technology or crackberry shiz we were talking about our spouses and our broken marriages.

Jayson was such a great person, my daughter would always go talk to him and tell him her little secrets, draw pictures for him, and make plans to show him pieces of her world. One trip they had planned was to walk over to teh Cathedral of The Madelaine. Being Catholic my daughter has always felt and been such a great little speaker for Jesus and his wishes. Jayson is always so nice and patient with my daughter and really enjoyed takling to her.

I was out sick from work for a week, when I returned Jayson wasnt there. This wasnt uncommon as he had been working as a DJ and doing some sidework with his brother who was an awesome web developer. Jayson was having a lot of fun and showed me some really awesome work he was doing. We always laugh about the things I know and the things he knows, together I think we make a whole I.T. person!! As thursday came and I went I wondered where Jayson was for the day. Still not feeling well, I went home thinking he would do as he always does and pull an all nighter to get his coding done. Friday came around and Jayson didnt come into work again. I figured he was having a hard time getting up and getting going, maybe he had a DJ gig that kept him up late or he was working on his website and mixing more music. Saturday was Valentines Day and it was my Saturday to work, and of course I thought of Jayson, hell I needed a good laugh and someone intelligent to talk to. The weekend came and went, and it had its fair share of frustrations for me including a flat tire and a multitude of other things.

Monday morning was business as usual for me. I went to work did my thing. Around 10 one of my good friends at work that approached me in tears said he really needed to talk to me. We went into the conference room and he was simply beside himself, he started with its not what think. He proceeded to tell me that Jaysons wife Gwen had just called him to inform him Jayson had killed himself Friday night, by overdosing on pills. I had no idea what to think or say, and I really think Chris thought I was a little cold about the matter. I was stunned!! Jayson had just gone to Hawaii with his family and brought back a cute little souvenir for me, which I gave my daughter and she just knew Jayson picked it for her because she loves rainbows and horses. I shared that story with Jayson and I still remember to this day that he said "Wait did I know she liked horses? Yes I did she told me a bunch of times" he chuckled and I tlld him not to worry about it and I was only joking when I said bring me a souvenir. Haa I was expecting a sea shell for gods sake.

As I thought about how to tell my daughter of Jaysons passing I figured there was no time like the present. I called her and told her about it, she was so amazing. She spent a few hours rounding up bugs to bury and have funerals for. A few days ago I had forgotten my backpack at work with my laptop in it so after I picked her up from school she & my mom accompanied me back to work to get it. When we were leaving she asked if we could go to teh Cathedral because she needed to light a prayer candle this time. We went in and she lit a few candles. As she knelt down and said her prayers, listening to her talk to Jesus about Jayson and how she knew he wouldbe taken care of with so many of our family members up there to care for him and keep him company. She continued to ask Jesus to make a special place for Jayson and to find him happiness because he just deserved it.

As the days have passed and I have thought so much about Jayson and how he must have been feeling. I feel that he took life accidentally, he had a handful of pills thinking that this was just gonna take the pain away for just a little while, so he could think and focus on something other than his shattered marriage, and his job that he kept flaking out on. I have also found out that Jayson cleaned out his belongings from the office he shared with our DBA. Putting all the pieces together I simply can not fathom how his wife felt finding him. I just cant imagine the burden she feels and the pain and anguish she is going through. All I can do is pray that she finds peace in all of this and that Jaysons spirit helps her find that peace that she will so desperately need.

To my friend I have learned that no matter how well you know a person there are just so many things that can be overlooked when you arent looking for them. I thank Jayson for teaching me this and teaching me how important it is to remind your friends you are there for them and love them.

Jayson I will miss your compassion and friendship. The long talks we would have about our berry's and all the cool stuff we would always talk about. I hope you can find peace in a better place and be free from all the pain you felt on earth.

I will miss you my friend and will forever be grateful for having a friend like you. I am lucky and touched to have had your friendship over teh last several months.

I will see you in heaven my friend and we will still be crackberry addicts and pick up right where we left off. Save a place in the nerdery I will meet you at the golden gates with a smile and a hug.

Amazing Journeys

This morning I registered for the last 2 classes I need to obtain my Bachelors Degree. It has truly been an amazing journey, one I have enjoyed thoroughly. I have been tested in ways I never thought I would be in my adult life, and came out the other side even better. I am still on track to graduate with honors, which I hold as a very high honor and priviledge. I cant wait to be walking through that graduation processional next year at this time, with my head held high knowing I have accomplished something that many others do not.


Life has been awesome!!!

other pix

Primary Childrens Hospital
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=66980&l=cada1&id=814340031


Kaileys Boo Party
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=63441&l=8f8af&id=814340031


My Daughter Becca<3Boo
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=63437&l=f46a4&id=814340031


Kailey & Colby
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=62270&l=13ed0&id=814340031


Kaileys first round of being sick
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=58753&l=5ac0a&id=814340031


VW Drive
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=58750&l=02a4d&id=814340031



enjoy... and I will try to keep pic links updated for the family!!!